Parental Protection Tools: Advance Directives

My dad was quite the character.

For certain after-school activities, there was a pickup line of cars all waiting for their children to emerge at the appointed time. Dad had to be first… always. Not second, not fourth… first. Mom usually dropped me off and split. Her day was done. Dad would time it so that he arrived on scene not long after. With his daily copy of the New York Times or New York Post in hand, he would park and read. This was all fine with me, as I was able to go home a few minutes early and it made him happy.

One late afternoon, another child’s mother slowly crept her station wagon passed each of the parked cars. With my dad focused on some newsprint, the vehicle came to a stop in front of his car, then maneuvered into a makeshift space that technically placed her first in the pickup line.

Holy mackerel!

Dad went nuts. This is all from memory, from my dad’s recounting of the story, so bear with me.

“You can’t do that! You have to go to the back of the line and wait!” I am probably sanitizing the language, but he got his point across. The mother pleaded that her son was not feeling well and she had called to pick him up early. “If he’s so sick, he should have stayed home!”

By the time I exited the building, I could see that something was up. The mother, my dad, and the very pious religious leader in charge of the program were arguing. It turns out, she allegedly had permission to pick up her unwell son early, but this did not satisfy my dad – who continued to believe the religious leader made up the permission to de-escalate the tension.

Cringeworthy!

Fast forward 17 years to my wedding. I needed a letter from that same very religious leader attesting to my character and upbringing. According to him, I was OK, but he “could offer no opinion on the religiosity or character” of my parents.  

You do not choose your parents. You choose how to relate with them. You choose your boundaries and your reactions. As they age, your parents may call on you to offer assistance. They may not initially seek your guidance on estate and long-term care planning issues, but it is important to have those conversations and get their paperwork in order.

Adult children should be mindful of the tools necessary to ensure their parents are protected. This includes advance directives such as Health Care Proxies, Powers of Attorney, HIPAA forms, and Living Wills or MOLST forms. These are the forms that operate while your parents are living, but may be compromised.

Advance directives authorize trusted individuals, often adult children, to make decisions and receive vital information on behalf of an ill person and frame end-of-life wishes properly. Adult children thrust into these roles have to wear two hats. They must have clarity that their parent is receiving proper treatment, aiming for realistic rehabilitative goals and understanding all of the long-term care options.

Adult children must also manage financial resources intelligently. Medicaid planning with the use of Powers of Attorney is a primary goal when a parent becomes ill. Agents under a Power of Attorney can establish protective trusts, change beneficiaries, transfer assets, and sell property on behalf of the form’s creator.

Setting up advance directives early allows for a solid chain of command structure when an emergency happens. Adult children can jump into action immediately and make the decisions that have to be made. Working with an experienced elder care attorney will also ease the stress of an adult child tasked with so many new responsibilities.

Alan D. Feller, Esq., is managing partner of The Feller Group, located at 572 Route 6, Suite 103, Mahopac. He can be reached at alandfeller@thefellergroup.com.