Getting Along is Good For Estate Planning

Negotiations are not going well. The other side’s list of demands is stretching the bounds of good sense. Threats and recriminations are flying across the table. If this meeting goes south, a diplomatic disaster will ensue.

No, this is not another international conflict.

Your daughter-in-law has asked you to babysit in Long Island next Saturday afternoon. You have done the traffic math in your head. Weekend driving on I-95, the Throggs Neck Bridge, Cross-Island Expressway, and LIE will not be a picnic. You love your grandchildren but they are going to wear you out.

Just a little bit more parental discipline was needed, you think to yourself.

Sound familiar? Of course it does. Almost every family in New York – for the last 70 years – has experienced a version of this.

Estate planning is a funny thing. Trusts and Wills tend to carry certain default settings when it comes to leaving children and grandchildren assets after you die and appointing close family members as fiduciaries. Obviously, attorneys can adjust bequests and appointments to include anyone in a family, but clients tend to want to keep estate plans within their bloodlines.

What is often not anticipated is the role of an adult child’s spouse within a family, as spouses can steer their partners in unexpected directions.

Parents raised their children, nurtured them, and gave them countless reasons to maintain a consistent, ongoing relationship. But you live with your spouse. Their displeasure with you does not manifest itself with just a shortened phone call. Every spouse’s imagination can run wild considering all of the ways displeasure can be shown in a household.

This type of pressure can and does seriously alter family relationships, holidays, and estate planning when there is conflict between adult children’s spouses and in-laws.

In small families, an adult child being pulled away from the parents leaves them without a suitable trustee, executor, agent under a Power of Attorney and Health Care Proxy. In tragic cases, an adult child predeceases the parents, leaving grandchildren and a surviving daughter-in-law or son-in-law. Minor Trusts created by the grandparents for these grandchildren may run into some issues if the chosen trustee is someone in conflict with their deceased child’s spouse. 

Not getting along with a child’s spouse risks separating a family into parts. Suddenly, the idea of “taking sides” becomes a talking point. Nieces, nephews, siblings, and first cousins – once joined together for so many wonderful moments – become strangers.

Recapturing that magic decades later is a rarity. What you are left with is a weakened family, bubbles of resentment percolating throughout. This resentment can be seen and felt in Probate matters, requiring cooperation among family members. Valuable time and money is wasted when families do not get along.

From experience, many of these fights originate with a poorly handled relationship between parents and a child’s spouse.

Effort matters. The babysitting, the support, the respect shown to a child’s spouse can lift an entire family. That new spouse, once connected, will be there when you need them down the road. Their appreciation for your kindness will extend to your adult child and the grandchildren, as well as extended family.

Getting along means an estate plan can flow smoothly. That translates to manageable timeframes and huge cost-savings.

So before you reject the negotiated babysitting proposal and storm away from the kitchen table, look at your daughter-in-law. You were once in their shoes. Will things be better if this relationship fails, or worse?

I think you know the answer.

Alan D. Feller, Esq., is managing partner of The Feller Group, located at 572 Route 6, Suite 103, Mahopac. He can be reached at alandfeller@thefellergroup.com.